By a young Catholic layman attending Juventutem events
There are many different opinions on courtship, and this is because it is concerned with actions and ethics, and is therefore a practical rather than a theoretical science. This means that there are some grey areas and people can rightly hold differing points of view to some extent. However, while it may be the case that there is some grey when it comes to the application of ethical principles, there are still many aspects which are black and white.
Courtship is a moral act, and in every moral act there are three components: The object, the end, and the circumstances. The object of the action is what you are actually doing. The end is the goal or purpose you intend to achieve, and the circumstances are those things which surround the action; they are the context within which you carry out the act. The principle of the integral good states that all three of these must be good or at least neutral for an act to be permissible.
For example, the object of my moral act may be driving a car, which is neutral. The end of my driving may be going to work or going to rob a bank. The good or bad end changes the moral character of the act so that an act which is objectively neutral or even good may become bad simply based on the goal in mind. The circumstances also play an important role in determining the moral character of an action. If I am driving (object) to work (the end), but the circumstances surrounding that action are that it is a Sunday and I shouldn’t be working, then this is enough to transform the action into a bad one.
How does this relate to courtship? If we want to embark on courtship successfully and rightly we must understand that it too has an end and the circumstances surrounding it can change its moral character. The object of courtship is of course getting to know someone who is a potential spouse. Taking for granted the circumstance that the man and woman concerned are free to marry, we must now acknowledge that the end of courtship is marriage.
It is common knowledge that the purpose of courtship is marriage but many act is if it were not, or seem to forget it because the object of courtship (the “courting”) is something pleasant to us by nature and therefore often engaged in when the time is not right (when the end of marriage is not a realistic eventuality). The book of Proverbs says: “Prepare thy work without, and diligently till thy ground: that afterward thou mayst build thy house.” (Proverbs 24:27).
Now that we know the end is marriage we can consider what the process of courtship involves. The primary goal of courtship is the discernment of virtue in the potential spouse. It is not about enjoyment, or even friendship for its own sake. It isn’t dating or a relationship as the modern world understands it, but all is ordered towards a specific end within a reasonable time limit.
Why is virtue important? Virtue is a disposition in the soul lying between two extremes (i.e. Courage is the mean between cowardice and foolhardiness) and this mean is determined by right reason. It is a kind of excellence in this or that respect. Virtue is a set of good habits and when a person has a specific virtue in a specific area it means that this person will act in a specific way in that given area. Simply speaking if someone has virtue they will act in a consistently virtuous way (at least most of the time) once you marry them, which is conducive to their and your happiness. This does not mean you must marry a saint, as you will have plenty of time to make each other saints after marriage, but the person should have some level of virtue which ultimately indicates that they have a good character.
We are all the sum of our moral choices. Moral acts lead to habits (virtues or vices), and habits form our character, and our character is who we are. Therefore, the discerning of virtue before marriage is the key to understanding who the other person truly is (and therefore what you are both getting yourselves into)! If the potential spouse doesn’t have many virtues but on the contrary have formed the habits of vices they will act in an evil or harmful way and it will be difficult to live in common with them. While grace can and does work miracles in this regard, it is not our place to suppose that God will work such a transformation. For the sake of discernment it is best (as well as fairer towards the other person) to assume that they will remain more or less the same after marriage as the way you found them, at least in their fundamental character and temperament.
Saint Thomas says that honour is the recognition of virtue, which is a kind of excellence in this or that respect. Honour then is a kind of intellectual appreciation of excellence. This is the reason that those who seek honour while lacking virtue rub us up the wrong way. Courtship then is not only about discerning virtue but protecting the virtue, and the honour, of one’s counterpart.
In summary the end of courtship is marriage, courtship itself is a process of discovering if the potential spouse has sufficient virtue, and primacy must be given (especially for a man) to protecting the honour of the other. Now we move on to briefly consider the ideal stages of courtship as they are traditionally presented.
The first step of courtship is called friendship, and friendship is willing the true good of the other. There must be some attraction, but this kind of friendship should be non-romantic and not yet physical (just like any other friendship). Detachment is very much needed in order to maintain clarity of judgement, and this is a point the modern world does not understand. When discerning marriage, the modern opinion is that closeness is key to discern properly. “Live together first”, they may say. At first glance this seems to make sense. But we may question whether this is sound advice considering that at least half of marriages end in divorce these days. Cohabitation invariably puts the couple in a situation where they cannot discern marriage at all, because the passions inevitable in such close proximity have a blinding effect on the intellect, and proper discernment is never made. It is not a stretch to see that cohabitation contributes to, if not causes, divorce and adultery in many cases.
This stage is confined to friendship in the true sense, which is based again on virtue as the true good of the other. There must be compatibility but no signs of physical affection, detachment of emotions, and moderation. The pair shouldn’t meet alone but should try to see each other in group settings, and exclusivity should not yet play any part in this friendship. If the two decide they will probably remain just friends, nothing has been lost! The two are unscathed and probably better off for their discretion and discipline.
If things do work out then the courtship can progress to the second stage: courtship proper. This is the beginning of exclusivity and a closer and more focussed discernment. Even in the modern world it is appreciated if the man gets the permission of the father or at least introduces himself to him and the family. Getting to know the family is a vital part of courtship, as opposed to modern dating where you may never even meet their family until an advanced stage. You do not just marry a person, but you also marry into a family, therefore it is a great thing to begin this integration now and involve the family in the relationship from its foundations. This period should not take years as this runs the risk of wasting each other’s time and even damaging the other person when things do not result in marriage many years later. Ideally, there shouldn’t be many signs of physical affection, though some disagree. The problem is almost always too much physicality rather than too little, so it can’t hurt to lean a little in the other direction, knowing the goal is to remain detached and able to think rationally. The man in this stage should look for a woman who is capable of trusting his leadership, and the woman should look primarily for a man who will love her truly, that being understood as sacrificial love.
True love always involves sacrifice, and therefore both the man and the women (but especially the man) should sacrifice themselves and their own desires by practising chastity throughout their courtship. The woman wants to know that her potential husband is in control of his emotions and can deny himself for her sake, and ultimately for the sake of future children. In order for this to be possible distance and moderation must be maintained to some extent. Meeting in public and visiting the respective family home serves as fitting boundaries. If you follow these guidelines and the courtship does not progress further, you have left the other the same or better than you found them, and this really should be the golden rule of courtship.
The third and final stage of courtship is the betrothal or engagement. The entry into this stage really should start with the man asking the father of his bride-to-be if he can propose to his daughter. This is not a token, but an acknowledgement that the father has the right under natural law to say no. He must consent and this is why he will ultimately present the hand of his daughter to her groom on the wedding day. Betrothal itself is a ceremony where the couple promise before God to marry the other. They must marry unless a grave reason presents itself. This stage should not be never ending (as often is the case in our times), but should again have a reasonable timeframe for the wedding. There is again limited physicality, but of course there is more freedom, because a promise and obligation to marry is in effect. It is however worth taking note of not just our human weakness but also other people’s perceptions during this transitory phase. Helping each other grow in virtue must remain at the heart of this relationship as it should throughout marriage. The next stage is of course marriage, where the real work begins! But if the pair have at least attempted to follow these steps and moderated their own desires for the sake of God and each other, they will be able to happily recall this magical period of time throughout their married life.
Article first published in Dowry No61, Spring 2024
Cover Image: Couple sitting, picture by Timo Stern (Unsplash License)